tapestodiane | 020 - action + audio

Entry tags:

020 - action + audio

[Audio recordings to Diane; not on the network]

_{(August 14th)}
Am starting to feel overcome by a familiar, dark, oppressive feeling. Fairly certain it is the onset of a depression, but at this time I am reluctant to label it as such. For the most part I feel haunted by a perpetual hopelessness. Feeling emotionally numb. Am not sure what to do.

_{(August 17th)}
Diane, I never thought I would say this without hesitation, but at this point in time I would like to go home. While my life there is significantly grayer and I would greatly miss my both pokémon and some of the people I have met in this world, I can't help but feel like I would have a lot less to lose. It is a much rarer event back home for people to disappear without warning.

Believe the last thing I said to Applejack was "talk to you later."

_{(August 18th)}
Diane ... I am finding it increasingly difficult to find some kind of peace in Johto. Ecruteak is doing little to distract me from these thoughts. Think I will try to find France.

[Private audio to France:] France, it's Cooper. Are you still in Ecruteak?
_{[He sounds sort of tired, but otherwise carefully neutral.]}

[Action:] _{[You can run into him anywhere in Ecruteak, where he'll be spending time walking practically every street, looking a little closed off. Unless you find him by night - he'll be near the lake, looking at the half moon.]}

[Audio, broadcasted to the network; nighttime:] All things considered, it wasn't too long ago people believed you would go crazy if the moon shone on you while you slept.
_{[Enjoy that little bit of information, Johto.]

(ooc: BACKDATED to thursday the 18th.)}

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I can understand that.

In the same boat?

Pretty much exactly, yeah.

Makes for quite an interesting set of feelings regarding this place, doesn't it?

_{[He's mostly thinking out loud right there.]}

Yeah.

[Otacon sighed, answering honestly and finally giving voice to things that he'd only thought for months now.]

I have to go back. Snake and I have a mission to accomplish, and we can't abandon it. I can't abandon it.

But if--when I go back, I'll lose everything. My father, Heather, Liquid...I'll never see them again. I've lost just about everyone I've loved once, I don't know what'll happen if I lose them all now.

Edited 2011-08-22 00:48 (UTC)

_{[They really don't seem to be too different, Cooper and Otacon, and Cooper doesn't answer at first, instead regarding the other with a small frown that's probably been ever-present this entire conversation.]}

There should be a comfort in knowing you'll most likely not remember them on your return.

_{[He knows it isn't though. 'Should' is definitely the operating word.]}

Then again, that fact mostly calls upon feelings of sadness.

...I don't want to forget.

[That had come out far quieter than he'd intended, and Otacon quickly turned his attention to the everpresent Arbok at his side as a distraction.]

It'd hurt less if I didn't remember, sure. Liquid was our enemy back home, and I got by well enough before this with Snake as the only friend I had. But I-I'd rather remember and have it hurt, because otherwise...otherwise all of this would just be meaningless, wouldn't it?

_{[He directs a weary, not-really-smile Otacon's way.]}

Entirely meaningless. One of the most cruel aspects of this world.

...maybe it really is pointless.

[He called his Arbok back into her Pokeball, absentmindedly fiddling with it as he talked.]

We can't change anyone else's future, even though we know it's just going to be nothing but suffering for them. Anybody could just disappear in a second, we're probably not going to remember any of this when we leave, and it's just...it's not fair, is it?

[Nothing ever was. Otacon knew that better than most.]

We're going to end up suffering no matter what happens.

_{[He'd say something about looking on the positive side of things, but truth is, in the end, he's not actually the person who does that - even less so now, with his mind in that lonely dark place that's entirely too familiar.]

[So, have an agreement to that statement. Life really isn't fair, after all.]}

That's life, isn't it?

_{[He's only keeping his words few because he doesn't want to open up.]}

You can't escape it.

...guess not.

Well, Hal ... I think we could use coffee. Or something stronger, to celebrate this dark realisation.

_{[In true Cooper-fashion, anything edible or drinkable is a comfort. He touches Otacon's shoulder briefly in an open invitation to come along or not - either way, he's not going to remain by the lake much longer.]}

Yeah, at this point that sounds like a pretty good idea. [Coffee, neglecting sleep, and trying his hardest to deny anything was wrong. That was how Hal Emmerich dealt with his problems.]

I'm glad you agree with me.

_{[Sounds pretty damn familiar. Cooper will go ahead, then - true to his nature, he's memorised the location of any presentable place to eat or drink in town, and there is one place - not the best, but definitely decent - that should still keep open.]

[It's not too far and not a lot of people are out, but the light shining out from the place is a welcome sight, at least to Coop.]}

[Otacon followed in silence--he hadn't quite memorized Ecruteak's layout yet, and most of the coffee he survived on was what he'd made himself.]

Huh. Didn't realize this place was here.

You learn something new every day.

_{[Stepping in and breathing in the scents, he does look at ease for a second. Nothing too difficult in finding a place to sit, given that they were almost the only ones there. It's sort of a dark mimic of their first encounter, really. The place is similar - only this time it's night out.]}

Guess that's still true even here.

[Otacon sighed and glanced out the window, but only really caught sight of his own pale reflection--he looked exhausted, didn't he? Maybe the whole idea of leaving Johto was more stressful than he'd realized.]

_{[It wouldn't be all that surprising, would it? In many ways it's a horrible idea, but all the same ...]

[Cooper shrugs off his vest and drapes it over the back of his chair before sitting down, looking ... probably about as weary as his companion, though his exhaustion manifests more in darkness under his eyes than paleness to the skin. He looks like he thinks for a moment, then:]}

Do you know anything about the Four Noble Truths?

Edited 2011-08-22 03:36 (UTC)

[The phrase struck a vague memory in the back of Otacon's mind; that of hours on end spent in the libraries or dorm room of Princeton and MIT. He had been a very isolated individual even at that age, and so his spare time had always been spent reading something or other.]

[Of course not everything would have been strictly related to his major, and so he'd ended up with a small amount of miscellaneous knowledge as a result.]

That's...some part of Buddhism, isn't it? Something about suffering and...er...I can't really remember the details, to be honest.

One of the most important principles of Buddhism, actually.

_{[It's completely different on Cooper's end - he never came across any of this in his studies, but found a bit of comfort and escape in it when he stumbled over it by chance.]}

The first rule states that life is suffering. We suffer for as long as we live, because we can't escape any of it. Pain, death, disease, despair, sorrow, separation ...

_{[It's not an uplifting topic, maybe, but it seems appropriate.]}

The second rule states that we suffer because we want. We want - or crave - life, death, things, pleasure. It can only lead to suffering because we can't have it. If we do have it, it can't last.

Right, I remember reading that once.

[He adjusted his glasses, thinking for a minute. What came next...?]

The third one was something like...suffering ends when we stop being attached to what we want. Was...that right? I can't really remember.

Edited 2011-08-22 04:08 (UTC)

Yes. When we not only stop being attached, but stop wanting altogether.

_{[He looks out the window for a moment before again focusing on Otacon - something a little more animated in him when he gets to talk about these things.]}

If you manage that, you're actually on your way to Nirvana.

I'm a long way from that, then.

[A small smile twitched across Otacon's face at that--he did seem to cheer up faintly as he spoke.]

With guidelines like that, it's no wonder nirvana seems to hard to reach.

_{[Coop can mirror that, faintly.]}

I always thought they had the right idea, but that if anything is damn hard to attain.

It's a great idea, sure. But I always kind of thought that wanting something was human nature. Or at least important. If you don't have some kind of dream to aim for, then...well, what's left?

Hard choice, really...reach nirvana or spend your life devoted to something you might never get.

Edited 2011-08-22 04:35 (UTC)

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